My boss' voice literally gives me gas
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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