thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
