I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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