I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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