Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
