what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
