To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
