hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
