Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
3pm strippers are depressing
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
