I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
