i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
being pregnant is like rehab
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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