so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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