Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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