moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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