so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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