I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
