This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
