I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
