he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
