So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
