maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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