I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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