SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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