Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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