Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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