Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
