Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
