He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
