I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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