She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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