We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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