whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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