I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
