it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
