Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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