from now on my penis is your penis
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
