Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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