you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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