I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
