I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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