she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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