you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
