Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
