At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have feelings that need drinking.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
