my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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