So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
