I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
