i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
