Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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