I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
