When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
she peed on how many people?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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